My Meandering Mind

I quit giving. It's almost been a year since I resolved that I would do an act of kindness every week and blog about it here. There were days sure, I helped where I could, donated and tithed my paychecks, but that doesn't count. I know it in my heart.

See, the thing is, I'm a coward.

I quit giving because my giving wasn't received. I still cringe a little at the fistful of flowers I had planted in the snow thrown into the street. Not one to give up immediately, I decided that maybe I just needed to set my sights on bigger visions. Serve Bigger. Love Bigger.

But I am no big person. I am only me, just one--and lately feeling completely insignificant person who is unworthy of giving to the world anyway.

The message is given over and over. First in kindness and now in yoga. I used to teach, have a lot of people in my classes, but when I began working full time, fell in love, and started a Master's program, I had less time to teach. So people drifted to other classes. Or maybe they drifted because my worst fears are true: I am an unworthy teacher. My messages are worthless, what I give to the world is of little to no value.

So I quit giving--because I couldn't give as big as the prom at the nursing home every week. And my little random acts of kindness, maybe were just random and stupid to the receiver. Coward!

Because a courageous heart would keep on giving regardless of the results. Forgive me for my meandering mind and trembling heart. I am trying to be more brave. I will give again on this Thursday. Revive Sweet Thursdays and maybe in 2011 have the courage to continue what I started, without being attached to the results.

That's the only choice isn't it? To keep giving even if people don't want to receive. To keep loving, even when your love is nothing special. Mother Theresa said, "In this world we cannot do great things, only small things with great love." I can give. Continue to live my small life with the greatest amount of love and gratitude possible.

So I will try.